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Smile!
Feb 27, 2014 22:38:28 GMT -5
Post by th30ma55 on Feb 27, 2014 22:38:28 GMT -5
Alright this is my first time doing thing and I have been pretty nervous about it. I did a little searching and came across this Japanese urban legend of Kuchisake-onna, "The Slit-Mouthed Woman" which inspired the following. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuchisake-onna Smile.pdf (244.48 KB)
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Smile!
Mar 6, 2014 10:41:47 GMT -5
Post by Jess on Mar 6, 2014 10:41:47 GMT -5
Congrats on your first script here!!!! First off, I love your idea for the story. I grew up watching a lot of Asian horror movies with my Mother and this could have easily been the plot for a good movie or manga short. I think your pacing was really even up to the end, where it seemed a little rushed, but page limit always makes that tough. I think it was a great story, my only actual issue with it was that James seemed to become really rude out of nowhere. Throughout the story he was very polite - he barged through the crowd and slammed the door, but he said "Excuse me" and referred to the waitress as "Miss" and apologized- that made his abrupt turn at the end seem odd. I think it would have been more effective if you had showed him being rude throughout the story, with the eventual blow up being his undoing. Other than that small critique, I think it was a solid story.
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Smile!
Mar 6, 2014 17:13:10 GMT -5
Post by th30ma55 on Mar 6, 2014 17:13:10 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback!
Those were actually my exact thoughts as I finished it up on Thursday night before it was due. Had I more time I probably would have gone back and altered some text to make James more rude and crotchety because I think that would have also added more to the title of the story; having him super grumpy the whole time and just never smiling. I just got to a point with the story where I needed a reason for the woman to go after our hero and that was pretty much it. To be totally honest I really wanted more pages and I was actually shooting for wrapping the story in 8 pages instead of 10 but then story happened. I can just envision this being a full on 20ish page book with 5 pages dedicated entirely to the Relocation camp at the beginning and more development of James' personality.
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Smile!
Mar 10, 2014 11:15:32 GMT -5
Post by Jess on Mar 10, 2014 11:15:32 GMT -5
That would definitely do the trick. I really did enjoy this story, so if you ever do a revised longer version, pass it along.
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